Ah! « The Good, the Bad and the Ugly » What an extraordinary Western! You’ve all seen it, of course.
I’ve watched it countless times and could watch it again every day with just as much pleasure.

Have you ever thought that this title might apply to golfers?
To men, that is – amongst women, there are no ‘bad’ ones. In theory, at least…

The Good: this is the player everyone admires and hates, the one for whom everything seems so easy. He’s talented – that’s a fact. I’ve got one in my family; I adore him, but he gets on my nerves so much. My brother falls into this category.
Put some tools in his hands and he can build anything.
Give him a racket, throw some tennis balls at him, and he’ll place them all perfectly in the centre and return them effortlessly.
Give him a golf club and a natural swing appears instantly, sending magnificent shots flying straight down the fairway.
He’s one of those exasperatingly lucky people.

The good

The Brute: we’ve all met one of those too. I’m well placed to talk about it, as I was one myself when I first took up golf; the player who hits every ball like a mule, who sends them flying in all directions and who just can’t seem to grasp that if they hit a bit less hard, things would go much better.
I remember a lesson with a new instructor, many years ago. He asked me to hit a few balls with a 7-iron and watched me. Then he said, ‘Your swing isn’t bad, but you’re really hitting far too hard. Try 80 per cent.’
I smashed another five or six balls. He asked me, ‘Was that 80 per cent?’
I confirmed it.
He said, ‘Right, try 40 per cent!’

Sometimes, the rough-and-ready types get discouraged after a while and give up golf; others mellow with age.

La brute

Le Truand: I’ve already mentioned him in my piece on the four-ball scramble. The Hooligan is that player who does whatever takes his fancy: an unbelievable backswing, an impossible grip, clownish stances, a far-fetched swing, an improbable ball flight – and yet every single ball lands perfectly in the middle of the fairway. He’s usually the player you most want to wring the life out of. So frustrating!

Le truand

And last but not least: the Struggler.
The Struggler is that player who has absolutely no natural aptitude for golf – no natural swing, no elegance of movement – who intends to, and feels as though they’re, replicating exactly what the instructor has just demonstrated, only to end up with a pitiful slice. The Striver is also the player who spends hours on end on the driving range, trying somewhat in vain to replicate the Good Player’s elegant swing, and filming himself to eliminate, one by one, any mannerisms that might resemble those of the Scoundrel.

The Striver sometimes gets discouraged. He often returns from his rounds feeling frustrated. As he works tirelessly to improve his swing, he sometimes feels as though he’s getting there. The last time he filmed himself, it wasn’t too bad. It almost looked like… no, not ‘almost’ – let’s not exaggerate… it came quite close to the ‘Good Guy’s’ swing.

So the Hard-Working Golfer set off on the course feeling much more confident, and of course, that’s when disaster struck. Nothing was set in stone. Nothing was in place. Everything that seemed to have been understood had vanished. Why? The pressure of the course, no doubt…

In short, no matter how hard the Diligent One tries, he’s definitely rubbish. But that doesn’t stop him from coming back tomorrow and the day after, and again and again to the driving range to try and improve, right up until his last breath, hoping to be, at least once in his life, the one who swings best and hits his target right in the heart, 18 times in a row.

Le laborieux

You may have recognised yourself in one of these golfers, and no doubt you’ve worked out which one represents me.

Of course, there may be other types of golfers, sometimes a blend of these. I’ll mention just one: my friend Norbert.
My friend Norbert is the ‘Ball-Collector’ type. His main concern on the course is looking for lost balls. He spends far more time and energy on this than on concentrating on his swing. He’s got hundreds of them in his garage, but he still buys new balls to play with.
Go figure.

Happy golfing, everyone